Today my thoughts are running to a war that millions of people wage with themselves; a secret war, unspoken of, which every one of us has faced at one time or the other. I am speaking of our battles against a sense of inadequacy. Falling short of other people’s expectations is bad enough but when we fall short of our own standards, that is really difficult to deal with. The nature of such failure is that it can be seldom talked about openly; it lies dormant, a dirty secret which poisons our thoughts and behaviour in innumerable ways.
Take the inadequacy that millions feel regarding the way they look. Shallow, perhaps. but so very core to the sense of ‘I’ in all of us. I consider myself to be not at all superficial, but I can’t remember a day in my adult life when I have not worried about my rather plump form and ways to shed the ever-increasing excess weight. I doubt if I am alone in this. When this sense of inadequacy blows out of proportion, it leads to problems like bulimia or anorexia, self-mutilation, seeking the plastic surgeon’s scalpel etc. Most people however just learn to live with this feeling of inadequacy.
The same sense of being suboptimal regarding one’s financial, social or academic status is, no doubt, equally prevalent. I guess a certain level of insecurity acts as an incentive to work harder, to strive and achieve. But is it not also the seed which turns some others into crooked ways, be it cheating or bribery, embezzlement or plain thievery? The same sense of inadequacy turns some into snobs and others into sycophants, some into bullies and other into the bullied.
What about moral inadequacy? How many of us tell ourselves that we are not ‘good’ enough? How many constantly bring up their old wrongdoings in their mind, never forgiving themselves for their own slips?
Let me present an imagined scale of human morality 
as a bell curve. At the bottom end, section 1 is filled with the pits of humanity, from ethnic cleansers like Hitler, pillagers like Attila the Hun, murderers, violent dacoits, rapists, child molesters, torturers and all those who thrive on violence. Section 2 is more populous, made of non-violent criminals, bribe takers, dirty and greedy politicians, con artists and such. Section 3 is the most populous with ordinary people who are saddled with the common human weaknesses such as greed, selfishness, envy, anger and laziness. All these weaknesses are still capable of harming others. Section 4 are the ones who have controlled these weaknesses to a large extent and also strive to help others, are thoughtful, charitable, forgiving, ethical, moral. Section 5 are those who devote themselves to the betterment of humanity in any way they can, either through charitable work, intellectual and creative endeavours or devotion to God. Where do you stand on the scale? I ask myself this question when a sense of moral inadequacy overtakes me. And I tell myself, ‘Average+ is ok! There is hope!’. But the truth is, I think I was a better human being at 10 than I am 55. So was this life a waste? sigh!
So you see, I am in perfect sympathy with Papanasam Sivan when he writes ‘Am I worthy of understanding your reality?’. Calling himself a hard hearted villain and saying that he has no Satvik qualities seems a bit harsh though. Seems to me that he is suffering from a bout of moral inadequacy! He seems to forget what our scriptures and epics say again and again – that it is possible for the basest of beings to achieve the grace of God. Think of Valmiki, surely he belonged to the bottom pile of my bell-curve before he redeemed himself? Whatever the sense of inadequacy we all battle with, we are ALL still in the running for God’s forgiveness and grace, and with that, the understanding of His truth. See footnote for lyrics and translation.
To present this wonderful song in Raga Ritigowla, I have selected two renditions for you to listen to. The first is by Trichur Ramachandran whose unique voice adds even more beauty to Ritigowla.
Alternate Link : Click here
The second is by O.S.Thyagarajan. I noticed that I had not featured this illustrious artist so far, a sad oversight on my part. So here he is.
Alternate Link : Click here and download song number 2 (needs free membership to Sangeethamshare.org)
Footnote (Lyrics and Translation) :
Composer : Papanasam Sivan
Raga : Ritigowla
Language : Tamil
பல்லவி
தத்வமரிய தரமா (நின் )
மூலாதார கணபதே சுரபதே உனது
அனுபல்லவி
சத்வ குணமும் ஜீவ தயையும் ஞானமும்
சற்றும் இல்லாத கிராதனுக்கு உனது
சரணம்
மதுர பரிபூர்ண மோதக கரனே
மகா விக்ன வன குடார வரனே
நிதியோன்பதும் அன்பர்க்கருள் பரனே
நிகில சராசர பீஜான்குரனே
மதிசேகரன் மகனே சுமுகனே
மத வாரண முகனே
சுருதி முடி உணர்வருள் சித்பரனே*
குக சோதரனே ராமதாசனக்குனது
* uncertain about this line
Transliteration
Note : For some Sanskrit words are used, I have preferred to transliterate them in their original Sanskrit pronunciation rather than the Tamil one in common usage!
pallavi
tatvamariya taramA (nin)
mUlAdhAra gaNapatE surapatE unadu
anupallavi
satva guNamum jIva dayaiyum jñAnamum
saTTRum illAda kirAdanukku unadu
charaNam
madhura paripUrNa mOdaka karanE
mahA vighna vana kuTHAra varanE
nidhiyonbadum anbarkkaruL paranE
nikhila charAchara bIjAnkuranE
madishEkharan maganE sumuganE
madavAraNa muganE
shruti muDi uNarvaruL chitparanE
guha sOdaranE rAmadAsanukkunadu
Translation
Am I worthy (taramA) of understanding (ariya) your (nin) truth / reality (tatvam)? Oh Lord of the Ganas (gaNa patE), Lord of the Suras (sura patE), O Lord of the Mooladhara chakra (or the support (AdhAra) for the origin (mUla)), your (unadu) truth (continuation meaning from first line).
Is this hard-hearted villain (kirAtan) who is totally without (chaTRum illAda) Satvik qualities (satva guNam), compassion (dayA) for other (implied) beings (jIva) and higher knowledge (jñAna) worthy of understanding your truth (from pallavi)?
O one who holds (karanE) the Modaka sweetmeat which is saturated (paripUrNa) with sweetness (madhura)! O the excellent (varanE) wielder (implied) of the axe (kuTHAra) against (implied) the great (mahA) forest (vana) of obstacles (vighna)! O God (paranE) who blesses (aruL) his devotees (aNbar) with the nine (onbadu) treasures (nidhi) (this refers to the nine treasures of Kubera)! O Seed and Sprout (bIjAnkura) of the entire (nikhila) world (charAchara, literally that which moves (chara) and that which does not (achara))! O son (maganE) of Shiva (madishEkhara)! O benign one (sumuganE) ! O one with the face (muganE) of a proud (mada) elephant (vAraNa)! O Supreme Spirit (chitparanE) who blesses with the realisation of (uNar varRuL) the last sound (shruti muDi) (I am uncertain about shruti muDi). O brother (sOdaranE) of Guha! Is this (implied) RamadAsan (signature) worthy of understanding (implied from pallavi) your (unadu) truth/reality (from pallavi).
Music To My Ears 
Suja,
You have chosen a weighty topic that follows Socrates’s statement on the “unexamined life” Expressions of poets and evolved souls may be borne out of their experiences but have a dimension that is beyond them not necessarily personal, but emoting humanity.
This raga has such an expressive power isn’t it? It reminds me of a concert some 2 decades back where T N Krishnan played Janani that has left an indelible mark, esp. the way TNK bows his violin in swift, sustained and sharp notes. Another favorite is TV Sankaranarayanan’s rendition of Paripalayamam Sree Padmanabha Murare. There was this legendary
composer V Dakshinamoorthy who composed a majority of his songs in Kharaharapriya, the parent raga.
Jay
So a poet represents not himself but humanity by his words? hmmm..interesting thought!
There are some ragas that I haved loved from the first listen and Ritigowla is one of them. I will listen to your recommended renditions – perhaps I have listened already but haven’t made mental mark of it! I have listened to zillions of rendtions of Janani for sure 🙂
Cheers. Suja
This post never appeared on my Blog tracker – maybe the fates did not want me to think too much of my inadequacies !! Saw it only when your next post appeared !!
I am not too critical of the sense of inadequacy – for isn’t it a basic part of what it is to be human. Its perhaps part of the evolution process where the feeling of inadequacy leads to the drive to improve and is a weapon in the survival of the fittest.
When I saw the title of the song , I was instantly reminded of the Madurai Mani rendition. f his relatively fewer recordings, the one album that was played repeatedly contained this song. Lovely ragam of course.
You are right of course, a certain sense of inadequacy may well act as a driver – I have acknowledged this in my post. My point is that the same sense of inadequacy leads to all kinds of other issues as well. Perhaps you are one of the rare people who don’t feel any sense of inadequacy? An enviable position to be in for sure! And yes, I have often enjoyed MMI’s brisk rendering of this song 🙂
cheers. Suja
Meaning of “Shurti Muni” Knowledge which is heard through Rishi’s teachings.